


black holes and revelations

by newtslittleniffler



Category: Dan&Phil, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drunken Kissing, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Unrequited Love, and written at 1am, but its alright i guess, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 09:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10186493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newtslittleniffler/pseuds/newtslittleniffler
Summary: dan has a crush on phil, but isn't even out as being gay. it's understandable that he'd get jealous when seeing countless girls flirting with the love of his life...





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi sorry this isn't that good but i really wanted to write some phan so here ya go

“That woman was all over you.” Dan said to Phil as the two of them climbed the mountain of stairs leading to their apartment, finding it even more difficult given their tipsy state. 

Phil thought that Dan sounded a little bitter, somewhat resentful, but then he was sure he must have imagined it. Shrugging, he said, “I wasn’t interested. And anyway, I  _ hate  _ things like that.” 

 

They were returning home from a party they had been invited to by a company hoping to get sponsors, but it had been filled to the brim with people, so naturally it wasn’t something they particularly enjoyed. They’d stayed as long as they needed to until it wouldn’t be rude to leave, taking advantage of the free bar as they did. 

 

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, but it still seemed as if he was acting weird. It went away for a moment whilst they discussed other parts of the night and settled themselves down on the sofa in the living room. As soon as it got quiet again, however, Dan said,  “She was was really hot, though.” 

 

With a roll of his eyes, Phil replied, “Yeah, and we had absolutely nothing in common. I’ve no idea why she was even interested.”

 

“Don’t be an idiot, why wouldn’t she be?” Dan echoed, absolutely in disbelief. Phil raised his eyebrows, and Dan played off his utter disagreement. “Come on, bigshot AmazingPhil. Anyone would be.” 

 

It was true. Girls were always all over Phil, and Dan as well. They’d been going to events like that for years, and they always got a fair amount of interest. They all found Phil adorable and hilarious, and Dan understood that.  _ Everyone  _ could see it, it was undeniable that Phil was wonderful. He was kind and handsome and  _ everything  _ Dan wasn’t. Yet, somehow, over the years, neither of them ever brought girls home. They always arrived to the party together, and they left together. It was just the way it was. Sometimes, it even seemed like they were a couple. It was no surprise all of their viewers thought so. It was amusing, but it was also  _ frustrating _ . All the signs were there, and he wished so badly that they were true. But Phil had never said anything about being gay, and he had never seemed interested in Dan like that. Sometimes, when he was particularly bored, Dan would actually click on the video times where people commented saying that Phil looked so in love with Dan, he even watched the edits people made and though he covered it with finding it hilarious; many of them made him feel warm inside. And also sad, a twisting ache at the fact that they couldn’t be more than the opposite. They had never kissed, they barely even hugged. They barely touched each other at all unless they fought over a remote or control of a game. 

 

“Well, I wasn’t interested.” Phil repeated, and his cheeks looked a little flushed, as if he was embarrassed. 

Feeling the air go stiff with tension, Dan decided that he wasn’t drunk enough. He could still talk fine and he wasn’t in a great mood, and that was what he had set out on for the night, so it was how he would be. He went to the kitchen and got some beers, taking them back to the living room where Phil was putting the TV on. They sat side by side in silence watching some rubbish talk show, but gradually getting more and more intoxicated. Phil was commenting on something on the show but Dan wasn’t listening to that. When he had something on his mind, it was all he could focus on, he couldn’t distract himself from anything else. 

 

“Why wouldn’t you be interested?” he asked. 

Phil, looking exasperated, said, “Are we  _ still  _ on this?”

Not to be defeated, Dan gave Phil a look, a challenging look that he used when teasing the other boy. “Just answer the question, Phil!” 

 

“I don’t know  _ why _ !” Phil said, “Why are you being weird?” 

 

“I’m not being  _ weird _ , I just want to know.” Dan said, lifting his bottle to his lips and studying Phil. He was shifting in his seat, looking uncomfortable. Usually, Dan would have dropped it, but reality was starting to feel fuzzy as the beer burst through his veins. Also, it was clear that there  _ was  _ a reason, and Dan and Phil told eachother everything. It was just the way that they were, and the fact that Phil  _ wasn’t  _ talking to Dan kind of hurt the younger boy. It was obvious there was something he was hiding, Phil was rubbish at hiding when he had a secret. 

 

“I just didn’t like her in that way!” Phil said defensively as he glared at Dan. “Why didn’t  _ you  _ go home with that boy at the bar?”

 

_ Boy _ . Dan’s face heated up like it was one whole flame and he suddenly felt like he would faint. His head started tingling with numbness the way it did when he was put on the spot. He and Phil never spoke about things like this, Dan’s sexuality was forbidden ground. Dan had no idea what was going on in his head, and he didn’t want to label himself, nor did he have any problem with the fact that his attractions never factored in gender or sexuality, he just liked who he liked. Still, he never spoke about this out loud. He wasn’t comfortable with  _ others  _ knowing. 

 

“That’s what I thought!” Phil said in response to Dan’s silence, “Can we drop this now?”

 

“What do you mean  _ that’s what you thought? _ ” Dan scoffed. “Why would I go home with a boy?”

 

“Why would I go home with that woman?” Phil fired back, growing more and more frustrated. 

 

“I just think it’s weird how somebody that hot wants you and you don’t care in the slightest!” Dan said, but he knew that was rubbish. Phil didn’t care how hot somebody was, and he wasn’t the type of guy for one night stands. 

 

“Why are you so obsessed with this?” Phil snapped, “I told you I wasn’t interested in her, and that’s that! Is there any reason that you want me to sleep with some random woman, Dan?!” 

 

Dan tried to think of a clever answer, but he just opened and closed his mouth a few times, wordless. He knew Phil had a point, Dan was being stupid by going on about that woman. Neither of them even knew her name - she’d never introduced herself, assuming they knew who she was. He just couldn’t help it - she had touched Phil’s  _ arm _ . And he hadn’t brushed her off! He had just leaned even closer to her, told more jokes to make her laugh… he shook his head. He was being ridiculously jealous for no reason. He didn’t blame Phil for getting up and storming from the room. 

He shut his door with a slam, which made things even worse. Their doors were always open so they could hear each other from whatever room they were in, and they definitely never  _ slammed  _ their doors. They never even argued, but now it felt like they were definitely arguing. All because Dan couldn’t keep his feelings in check. 

Dan stayed on his own for a couple more hours, and he kept on drinking too, watching dumb cartoons that usually made him laugh at how dumb they were, but he didn’t even do that. He should have just kept his mouth shut. It was all he could think about. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

 

****************************

 

Dan could see that the light was on still through the crack under the door of Phil’s room. He should have just gone straight to bed, he was just about ready to pass out for a twelve hour sleep, but he couldn’t go to sleep when he was on a bad note with Phil. He wouldn’t be able to even close his eyes if they didn’t talk things through. When he pushed the door open, though, he saw that Phil had fallen asleep with the light on, not even under the covers, and still sat against the headrest. His laptop was open too, and knowing Phil, he’d probably end up kicking it off at some point through the night. Rolling his eyes affectionately, Dan walked towards the bed. He took the laptop and put it on Phil’s desk. When he turned to look at him again, he noticed how peaceful Phil looked. He looked  _ angelic _ . And also incredibly asleep. Dithering for a moment, thinking about whether it was creepy or not, Dan realised it would probably be the closest he ever got.

He went closer to the bed. He looked down at Phil. And then, slowly, timidly, he leaned down. He held his breath, knowing he’d probably  _ never  _ get so close to the other boy again. The only person Dan had ever truly cared for that wasn’t family, even though he felt sort of like family just because he was  _ home _ . Dan didn’t miss living at home with his parents at all, unlike he had done when he had moved to university, and that was because he lived with Phil. Phil was home. He made him feel safe and comfortable and happy.

Closing his eyes, Dan softly pressed his lips to Phil’s forehead. It was as light as a feather and it didn’t even linger for half a second. Then Phil sighed, and he turned his head, and in a flash of panic Dan jumped away from the bed; in the process nearly knocking the lamp off the bedside table which would have  _ definitely  _ woken Phil up. Thankfully, his eyes remained shut, and Dan exhaled a heavy gasp of relief. It was only when he knew Phil wasn’t awake that he allowed himself to truly feel what had just happened. His lips tingled with a strange sensation, he touched his fingers to them to make sure they were real and he hadn’t just imagined everything. When he glanced back to Phil, he found he had never wished so badly for more. He’d kissed him on the head and now he  _ craved  _ to kiss him on the lips, his neck, all over. He wished he could tangle his hands into the raven black hair, he wished they could cuddle all night. He wished they were more than ‘just friends’. Unfortunately, that would never happen. 

Shaking his head in an attempt to make his thoughts sober up, Dan took one last look at the beautiful boy - it never seemed like he was looking enough. He saw his face pretty much every second of every day yet he never took in everything. There was so much that took his breath away, it took minutes to even get over Phil’s eyes, and then more for the smile, more for the hair… 

Huffing another sigh, Dan reached to turn the lamp off. The light dimmed, but the light from the hall was still shining in. He took one last look before turning to leave. He was halfway to the door, however, when he stopped dead in his tracks. 

 

“Dan?” Phil called out, sounding sleepy and confused. 

Dan didn’t dare to glance back over his shoulder, he didn’t want to know what the expression on Phil’s face was. He wondered if he could just sneak out and Phil would think he had dreamed it, but even in that scenario, Dan got curious. Slowly, he turned to face Phil. Even in the dark light he could see that he had sat up straight, and he was studying Dan with a frown. 

 

There was an awkward silence before Dan could even register his thoughts. “I-I was just turning off you light.” he stuttered eventually. 

 

He waited for Phil to point out turning off his light definitely didn’t include kissing him on the forehead, but Phil’s frown relaxed. He didn’t say anything else - but he shuffled across his bed and pulled the duvet back. When Dan didn’t move, Phil rolled his eyes. 

“Get in.” he said. No mention of an argument earlier on, no confusion. Just a direct order for Dan to  _ climb into bed with him _ . 

 

“What?!” Dan asked, shocked, his eyes wide. He hadn’t been expecting  _ that _ !

 

“Now that I’m awake I can’t go back to sleep,” Phil said, and the flash of thoughts Dan had just gotten vanished instantly and he felt terrible for even thinking like that. He had to stop thinking of his best friend like that, it was wrong. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Dan said, feeling more and more uncomfortable by the minute, he knotted his fingers together, thinking that maybe if he tied them tight enough he’d just collapse there and then and not have to deal with the awkwardness. 

 

Phil just smiled, “Don’t be sorry. Just come and watch Buffy with me.”

 

Dan gulped - he suddenly felt so guilty. It had just been a feather light kiss, and it was on the  _ head _ , he didn’t know why he felt so terrible. Maybe it wasn’t guilt, fear was also a likely feeling. If Phil had realised… he would know everything. He would know why Dan didn’t go home with that boy at the bar and why he never went home with  _ anybody _ . The only person he would ever want to go home with was Phil. Trying to mask his reluctance, he moved back to the bed. He clambered in, and then following Phil’s instruction, he turned on the lap. He got more alarmed when he realised Phil was sat up and pulling off his jeans - and didn’t seem to intent to put on any pyjamas. When he got back under the covers, he wore nothing but a T-shirt and boxers. Dan wished so badly that that didn’t make his hairs stand up as goosebumps erupted and a hurricane of emotions started to whirl through him - want, confusion,  _ love _ , guilt, excitement. Everything…

 

“Oh, my laptop,” Phil remembered, realising it wasn’t on the bed anymore. Dan was about to offer to get it, but Phil was already up. 

 

They always walked about in just boxers, they’d pretty much seen each other naked - yet watching Phil walk over to the desk made Dan’s heart clench like it was being clutched in a claw. Perhaps it was his drunken state, or maybe that single kiss had sparked it because Dan’s emotions really were all over the place, a single kiss meant months of attachment; but watching Phil lean over and get the laptop made him squeeze himself all over in a desperate attempt to hold himself together. He felt like he was about to dissolve. Once Phil got back into the bed, he sat a lot closer to Dan than usual. Under the cover, his bare leg brushed against Dan’s. The younger boy held his breath, almost not daring to breathe because he didn’t trust himself to stay in control. 

 

“Are you okay, Dan?” Phil asked as he opened his laptop. “You’re quiet.” 

 

Dan tried to ignore how boiling hot his face felt to the touch, he thought you could probably fry an egg on his cheek given how scorching it was. He must have looked more red than the sun itself. It wasn’t surprising really, considering that Phil was pretty much the sun himself. SIlently, Dan cursed himself. He had to stop thinking of him like that if he didn’t want his feelings to eat him alive. 

 

“I just- I thought we were in a fight, that’s all.” he said at last, trying to act like it wasn’t also the added bonus that he was starting to feel hard. Phil’s whole body was leaned into him, and not to mention drunk Dan usually got quite excited when it came to that. 

 

Phil smiled a little as if that were amusing, but then he looked at Dan with wide, serious eyes. “That was stupid, Dan.” he said softly. “And you know I could never be annoyed at you.” 

 

Dan wondered if that were true. He really could be a dick sometimes, he was surprised Phil put up with him. He smiled, though. They were looking into each other’s eyes and he wished so badly that he could just kiss him again. Kiss him  _ properly _ . 

 

“I was being a prick.” Dan said. “I don’t know why I-”

 

“You don’t have to explain.” Phil cut him off. “I shouldn’t have said what I said, either.” 

 

_ Boy _ . He knew Dan was into boys. He wondered if he realised that Dan  _ did  _ know why he had behaved like that - jealousy taking over. The green monster that was always raging when it concerned anything to do with Phil. 

 

“Let’s just forget it ever happened.” Dan said at last. Phil agreed, and then turned on an episode of Buffy that they’d watched thousands of times. 

 

For the whole time it was on, Dan couldn’t focus on what was going on. All he could focus on was how close Phil was to him. The way his boxers had clung to him, how peaceful he had looked as he slept, how touching him had made Dan’s lips tingle like the stars twinkled in the sky. Soon they had been quiet for so long that even the low volume on Buffy seemed like it screamed. But it didn’t matter because unlike with everybody else in the whole world, Dan never felt awkward when he was silent with Phil. He just wished that his heart wasn’t hammering so fast that it was hard and caused an ache in his chest. He wished that his mind wasn’t wandering places it shouldn’t have been wondering. He felt like Little Red Riding Hood straying from the path, even though a huge wolf was baring its fangs. The thoughts Dan was having… they would just hurt him. He didn’t think he would ever feel anything but hurt - the longing he felt was like a stabbing knife, and even when it had dug as deep as it could go, it somehow found a way to pierce even further. When the end credits of a third episode had started to play, Dan was about to yawn and say he should get to bed. It was late, the sun would probably be rising in just a couple of hours, and he didn’t think he could hold it in anymore. He felt sickened at himself, but he really had something to attend to - his pants were starting to feel tighter and tighter. 

 

“I didn’t go home with that woman because I wasn’t interested.” Phil said, and Dan was confused. He was about to say that he thought they’d agreed not to argue anymore, but Phil silenced him by continuing. “I’m not interested in her, and I’m not interested in anyone.” 

 

_ Not interested in anyone _ … Not that Dan had been very hopeful either way, but now even the last tiny light had gone out. There was no way Phil would ever feel like that, he wasn’t interested. Then it went even more downhill, like when you’re skiing down a hill so steep you can’t even see the bottom, because Dan realised Phil was probably just saying that to remind him that he wasn’t interested in  _ him _ and he didn’t want Dan kissing his forehead or anything else for that matter. 

“Oh.” Dan said, flatly. It was particularly blunt and emotionless, strange considering how inside he was anything but. He felt ablaze with flames - misery, shame, fear, nerves, anxiety. He tried to end the conversation so he could leave without it being obvious that the reason he was ending it was that he felt as if he was about to burst into a million pieces of pain, or even just drop dead right there. 

 

“No, let me finish.” Phil said gently. He sat up more, and he turned to face Dan properly. In the lamplight, Dan could see that it looked as if Phil was doing a mental puzzle, struggling as he tried to work out what exactly to say. He waited, trying not to let it show that the wait felt like a ticking timebomb and Dan was about to explode. “I  _ am  _ interested in someone.” 

At first, Dan didn’t think he had heard properly. But then his heart plummeted down, straight to the bottom of his stomach, and he felt sick. Had Phil met somebody? Had he been keeping it from Dan? His mind worked extra fast as he tried to think of who it could be… 

 

Phil wasn’t saying anything. He was studying Dan’s face with his pale eyes like glimmering moons. His tongue skimmed his lips. His hair was a mess from being up against the pillows for so long. He looked tired, the shadows under his eyes more prominent than usual. He looked as if the struggle to get words out pained him. Then, muttering  _ “What the fuck”  _ under his breath, he leaned in. Dan didn’t even have time to be surprised at Phil’s swearing which he very rarely did, because next thing he knew Phil was kissing him. And it wasn’t on the forehead or on the cheek, it was on the lips. And it was  _ hard _ . A raging fire of passion, roaring flames that bit and burned. Dan didn’t know what else to do but close his eyes and let it sink in. 

He didn’t even have it in him to wonder what exactly was going on - all he knew was, Phil was kissing  _ him _ . It wasn’t even the other way around… 

 

When they broke away, Dan’s breaths were ragged. Phil looked terrified but pleased, a mix of emotions that seemed strange together. Dan didn’t know what to say. 

 

“ _ Oh.”  _ he said again, a soft gasp. He pressed his forehead up against Phil’s, their eyelashes brushed. Their lips brushed. Their breaths danced teasingly within the tiny gap between the pair of them. “You…” he tried to speak, but he couldn’t. Not a word. 

 

“I’m interested in  _ you _ , you idiot.” Phil said, and then he laughed. And then his laugh was cut off because Dan was kissing him, and kissing him and kissing him and kissing him. It took Phil by surprise, he had to steady himself by holding onto to Dan’s shoulders. And then Dan pulled Phil close, and next thing they knew Phil was on Dan’s lap. The younger boy had his arms circled around Phil, gripping him in a tight grip like he was scared it would all slip away. Their breaths and laughs mingled into everything. 

 

After years of denying themselves anything, they both realised that the other felt the same. So many years of hiding their feelings… 

 

That realisation kicked in and suddenly Dan was starving, he was ravenous - finally a taste of what he hadn’t been able to have for eternities. He felt like he hadn’t had a single bite to eat in months and now he was taking as much as he could before it all disappeared again. He fisted his hands into Phil’s shirt, whilst Phil did the same to his hair. He’d forgotten for a second that Phil wasn’t wearing jeans, and when his hands trailed down to his butt he was surprised at the lack of material. He didn’t care, though, he jokingly squeezed it, childish. 

 

Phil snorted with laughter, but then pulled away. For a second, Dan thought he had done something wrong, but Phil was smirking. He had moved out of Dan’s hold only to push him back and be the one in control. He leaned over him, his eyes darkened with lust and passion. Dan arched his back up, trying to get their lips to collide again, but Phil wouldn’t let him. His laugh was soft and whispered in the night, and he stroked Dan’s jawbone with his fingers. Then across his whole face, it was like he was feeling every single angle and every single curve. Then his thumb grazed across Dan’s lower lip, teasing at it. Dan didn’t care that his hard on was definitely pressing into Phil’s stomach, he didn’t care about  _ anything _ . He didn’t have anything to hide. He playfully bit Phil’s thumb lightly before closing his mouth around it, sucking on it and not breaking eye contact. It made Phil moan and then his brow furrowed. With the fury of a storm, he pulled his thumb away only to replace it a moment later with his mouth again. Dan placed one hand on Phil’s waist to hold him steady where he was leaning half in the air, and the other toyed at the fabric of his shirt. He knew they wouldn’t do  _ that _ , they wouldn’t have sex, but he didn’t even know if it would ever happen. Would they even  _ kiss  _ again? Were they even kissing  _ now _ ? It felt so not real, it felt like a dream. He didn’t care though, he would enjoy the feeling like soaring through the clouds for as long as he possibly could. 

 

Soon, Phil’s kisses moved from Dan’s lips, across his jaw, down his neck. Dan didn’t have to tell Phil that he couldn’t have anything easily caught on camera - as his lips danced across Dan’s skin his fingers went to the buttons of his shirt, undoing it as he went. Though he missed the feel of Phil’s hands on his face, he was met with something even better. Phil’s teeth joined the mix, he was biting on Dan’s skin like a vampire. A quick bite of pain before it was numbed by a tingling kiss, leaving definite marks across the pale skin of Dan’s chest. Sliding his hands upwards, Dan gripped onto Phil’s messy tufts of hair, tight enough that Phil moaned into his artwork. Their bodies moved as one - they were so adapted to one another that they knew just where to touch to make the other boy groan, and even though it had taken so long suddenly there felt like there was no unfamiliar territory. They didn’t take their clothes off, they didn’t do anything but kiss and tease and touch and laugh and moan and groan; all of which was  _ enough _ . It felt like a gift, a moment of complete peace and ease. No guilt about how they were feeling, no awkwardness. Just pure  _ happiness _ . 

 

They kissed until the winter sun was nearly completely in the sky and the birds were starting to sing and Dan had completely sobered up, although he didn’t feel sober at all considering how he was completely drunk on feeling ecstatic and  _ in love _ . However, with the rising sun, came the rising realisation of what they were doing. Unfortunately they couldn’t stay hidden away forever, but for now, it was perfect. They pulled away from each other reluctantly, unable to keep the smiles off their faces. 

 

“What even just happened?” Dan asked. 

 

“No idea.” Phil said with a shrug, “But I’m glad it did.” 

 

There was so much more Dan wanted to say, but he didn’t want to ruin it. He didn’t want to say  _ anything  _ to possibly spoil the moment, it was perfect the way it was. Still, they couldn't kiss forever or they would definitely run out of oxygen. 

 

“I should go.” Dan whispered, simultaneously reaching a hand out. He had to keep checking, he had to keep touching Phil’s face to make sure that he was real and not a figment of his imagination. He thought Phil might have been doing the same, because they both kept doing it. Simple brushes against a cheek or stroking their fingers through their hair. 

 

“Don’t go.” Phil said back, “Stay here.”

 

Dan tried to argue but he didn’t even know why he tried, because the last thing he wanted was to go. Not that he had a choice, Phil was already getting back into bed, lying down beside Dan again. Then he pulled the duvet over them. 

 

“Trapped you.” he said, giggling. It killed Dan that Phil fucking  _ giggled  _ and didn’t even realise how adorable it was. He rolled his eyes, but it was all the facade. 

 

“Fine,” he said, I’ll stay.” 

 

They were both tired, they’d stayed up all night using the little energy they had, but it had definitely been more than worth it. He turned off the light and positioned himself in the right position. It just so happened the position he always slept in was like the perfect little spoon - they were cocooned around one another. Even their natural sleeping positions fit together, they were like some huge, long limbed jigsaw. 

 

“Dan?” Phil said into the darkness, and his breath tickled at Dan’s bare neck, his arm that was stretched across Dan made it so that his fingers lightly played absentmindedly with the waistband of Dan’s jeans. He didn’t know it, but Dan  _ definitely  _ couldn’t sleep when he was doing that, but it felt nice so he didn’t complain once. Every patch of skin Phil’s fingers touched went numb and tingled. 

 

“Yeah?” he asked. 

 

“Are you glad I didn’t go home with that girl now?” 

 

Dan rolled his eyes and kicked Phil under the duvet, causing him to laugh. He didn’t say anything, just smiled into his pillow before burrowing back into Phil. 

  
He was definitely glad. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
